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Before leaving for the US to attend the Black Entertainment Television (BET) Awards, I prepared for two things: the summer heat and humidity (and by that I mean I packed all of my cute, short dresses), and the jet lag when I returned home seven nights later.
I boarded my flight to New York with big dreams of sleep during the 14-hour economy-class flight, but it wasn’t to be. I had chosen an aisle seat to have a little extra legroom, which I soon (willingly) gave up to the young woman next to me, who was suffering from violent nausea from the moment we sat down and needed to be close to the bathroom.
I was now seated next to the noisiest, most inconsiderate and racist family. They made such a racket that another passenger eventually got up to shout at them like they were children. To add to the trauma, I managed to select the seat in front of a family travelling with two young children, who alternated between crying, laughing and kicking my chair until they passed out from exhaustion.
After the total 21 hours of travelling (13 hours to New York, a three-hour wait and then a further five hours to LA), we landed in the City of Angels at 2pm, having left Joburg at 10pm the previous day (which was only 14 hours later because LA is nine hours behind us). My body couldn’t understand how there was still the better part of a day left. My mind was willing, but my body said “Nah”.
After all that, United Airlines misplaced my luggage. It simply didn’t make it to LA. After filling in the necessary forms and throwing a tantrum, we were on our way. LA was hellishly hot, but staying at the Sheraton Los Angeles Downtown Hotel was perfect. The Staples Center, the Grammy Museum and the Microsoft Theater were all within walking distance. There was also a small shopping centre close by, which was most useful for getting some clothes for the day. My temporary wardrobe crisis was easy to solve. My jet lag, however, not so much. My body wasn’t ready for the nine-hour time difference.
I was suffering, and badly. On the first night, I slept through Kevin Hart’s performance at the Staples Center, but was then up at midnight desperately craving bacon and eggs.
The next day, I dragged myself out of bed in time for brunch and took myself to the International House of Pancakes, where I fell in love with their buttermilk offerings, which are worth every bit of the hype.
Much like Miami, which I visited briefly last year, there is endless construction happening in the LA CBD. It reminded me of being at home in Jozi, where there is always a building coming down so another can replace it. The people of Los Angeles, also known as Angelenos, are not shy. They dress up for an ordinary afternoon and, if they like something of yours, they’ll tell you.
On the second day, when I wore the green loose-fitting jumpsuit I bought the day I arrived, a woman grabbed my waist and said, referring to my bum: “Gurrrl, that’s fine. Why you hidin’ it?!” Later that day, someone else stopped me and said: “You are *wearing* that green!”
If you’re bald and have a bit of a bum, LA is good for your self-esteem.
There’s not much to see in downtown LA, except people and places to eat. And that’s why, on my last day, I kidnapped celebrity stylist Nthato Mashishi and we hit Hollywood.
Hollywood is every cliché in clichéland; a giant tourist caricature. And it’s great! People everywhere, garish touristy trinkets and memorabilia, the Walk of Fame, which is actually many walks. I didn’t find the Destiny’s Child star, but I found Michael Jackson’s.
We had lunch at Hooters, with its beautiful porn star-esque waitresses. How they are all so phly is beyond me.
It’s important to mention that my awful jet lag took three days to leave me. I was okay on the day I was leaving, because jet lag is evil. After frolicking in the heat in Hollywood, we headed for Santa Monica State Beach through Beverley Hills, which looks exactly as it does in the Bold and the Beautiful. I had hoped to spot a few celebs, but alas, we didn’t see any famous residents.
The beach was a treasure. I’ve always fancied a theme park right on the beach, complete with wooden pathways. Durban’s uShaka Marine World tries, but doesn’t quite nail it.
Five things to know before you do Los Angeles
1. Try to go for longer than four nights. The jet lag is unforgiving. You will reset your watch at least twice, and your body takes a few days to shake it off. If you have the luxury of time, give yourself more than a week on the east coast. Go through New York if you can. It makes the trauma of moving back in time less traumatic.
2. Visit all the Merican food franchises. It’s not fine dining, but that’s not the point. It’s important to go to IHOP for the buttermilk pancakes, Roscoe’s for the fried chicken and waffles, and Chipotle for the burrito bowl. You can give McDonald’s a miss. There’s nothing new to experience. And then when you’ve done all that, visit a little downtown place called The Briks, which makes one of the best lamb shanks I’ve tasted.
3. Check to see which artists are in town and book your dates around them. The Staples Center is one of the biggest and most famous entertainment venues, and often has many big names performing. And then take the obligatory smug selfie in front of the building.
4. Spend a day at the beach. Find the time between all the eating and celeb-spotting. The theme park at Santa Monica State Beach will keep the kids occupied for hours.
5. Be a real tourist in Hollywood. It’s supercheesy, but don’t miss it. Take pictures on the Walk of Fame, visit Universal Studios, join the crowd waiting for whatever premiere might be taking place, and book one of the celeb house trips.
There are many fake trips that take you to ordinary houses in Beverley Hills and call them celeb houses, so make sure you find accredited tour guides if you go for this option.
*Mhlungu was a guest of Viacom Africa, the owners of BET Africa
