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Beating the boring out of Parliament

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President Zuma receives applause prior to giving his state of the nation address. Picture: Schalk van Zuydam, Pool/AP
President Zuma receives applause prior to giving his state of the nation address. Picture: Schalk van Zuydam, Pool/AP

Thursday night. It’s time for the state of the nation address. The Sona. After last year’s edition and the subsequent chaos in the National Assembly, there’s no way I’m gonna miss it.

You have to give it to the commander in chief (CIC), President Jacob Zuma, and the other CIC, Julius Malema: they’ve beaten the boring out of Parliament.

Up until last year, the Sona was pretty tedious – a bit of policy read out by the CIC at the end of an afternoon of lahnees dressed up like they’re at the Durban July, and a nice dinner on the taxpayer afterwards.

Lots of pomp and ceremony. SA National Defence Force cats dressed up like they’re German askaris slaughtering Namibians two weeks after the Berlin Conference, stomping around on the one day of the year when the wit ous aren’t in a majority in the Cape Town CBD.

Not a lot for the ordinary punter who’s more interested in Phuza Thursday or the next meal than dressing up like former colonial oppressors.

I’m Sonaring dry and under house arrest. The CIC isn’t the only muppet who’s had his wings clipped this week. The man from Nxamalala’s red-faced legal team may have agreed that he’s gonna pay back the money, but my sins are being paid for in person.

The CIC walks in, all business suit and imbongi’d up. Zuma’s looking good, if a bit subdued. I’d be s**tting myself, knowing I’m the cause of the Parliamentary crisis that’s gone down in the past year and is gonna be used to rub my face in today. Our man looks pretty min gepla about all that, as they say in the Wenties. Another day, another dollar, even if it’s gonna be a little more trying than most. A piece of piss compared with 10 years in jail.

Most of the ANC MPs are doing the hero’s-welcome thing. Nathi Nhleko, Thulas Nxesi and Cedric Frolick aren’t clapping as hard as most of the comrades. Getting stabbed in the back by the boss can do that to you.

National Council of Provinces chair Thandi Modise looks nervous. National Assembly Speaker Baleka Mbete looks like she needs a drink even more than I do. I’m not sure if it’s over the trench warfare with the Economic Freedom Fighters they know is coming, or the fact that they’ve gouged the Constitution in defence of the CIC.

Zuma’s dome is shining as he starts his speech. The war starts – all points of order, threats of ejection and eventual throwings out. This is mad. If anybody else gets turfed out, the CIC will be talking to his bodyguards.

Mrs Harper prefers a different type of soapie. She grabs the remote and ends the misery. For a while.

Follow on Twitter @PaddyHarper1

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