The funeral of the daughter of Mkhenkesi, my neighbour and the fellow who fixes shoes at the robots at the magistrates’ court, brought with it a lot of tears for the many lusty young men who wished to one walk her down the aisle but it also brought a lot of well-deserved beers to my two-room-and-a-garage house.
In celebration of the young lady’s passing away, yours truly demonstrated leadership capacity and mobilised all the lusty young men who were grieving the one that got away to sponsor the biggest mother of all after-tears Mashishing has ever seen.
So epic was the flow of the immortal waters that even our corrupt police joined and even that councillor wanted to invite himself but I told him I was too sober to let him.
Naturally, the hangover proved to be one of those fierce punishments from the gods (especially since I neglected to share by pouring some down) but all troubles came to a standstill when I heard over the wireless Jacob of Nkandla saying he is doing a great job running this Gupta Republic of ours.
Eish! That liability from Nkandla branch of the struggle-turned-struggling movement had the audacity to even laugh, Maibabo!
Needless to say after seeing that sad sight I started feeling very empty, the earth stopped moving and I knew that devil called sobriety was upon me.
The Jacob claims to be doing a very good job. And last week all prisoners (the convicted ones, not the ones in parliaments) at Pretoria C-Max were given free laptops, just like their peers in the Mother City.
This after the Zuma government gave prisoners fried chicken from a popular take-out joint earlier in the year. Must be nice being a prisoner under Zupta neh.
Anyway, yours truly could not help but laugh when son of Mangethe, Zwane of Gupta, was sent packing by a community in Mpumalanga – him and his Mining Charter.
Now Zwane, who was allegedly also appointed at the Saxonwold shebeen stokvel’s weekly general meeting, p*ssed off white mine bosses by suggesting a radical-looting transforming.
They did not take it well and are now dragging him to their next Hof.
Methinks they really don’t have a problem with 30%. They, like the rest of us, don’t trust the Zupta Republic and its captured party.
The progressive forces of #GuptaLeaks also uncovered that the unnaturally naturalised thieves of Saxonwold spied on son of Malema, the red bereted one, and the better half of Maria Ramos, Trevor Manuel, apparently with the help of that allegedly Zimbabwean minister – who previously privatised a certain very fine US-based eye candy called Buhle (literally meaning beauty) daughter of Key (another demonstration that obviously witchcraft exists).
Anyway the biggest mouth-watering issue of the week was when Mogoeng Mogoeng twice told Baleka of the Mbete tribe that she has the power to get rid of Jacob Zuma.
Mbete apparently once slaughtered a beast for the ancestors to deliver her to the Union Building.
She must have very loyal ancestors to have such powers delivered to her by the highest hof in the land.
Because of the judgment, Julius, not of Ceasar but of Malema, decided to celebrate.
And then he heard that Zumanites in North West still want to erect a monument in honour of Jacob of Nkandla.
Now the reds are a bunch of talented wordsmiths but saying “Even if they name a toilet after him, we will destroy it” is just so reddish of them.
In the land of Supra, at a disguised stokvel gathering of the National Union of Mineworkers, they of Marikana fame, a certain former honourable premier of Gauteng, Mathole Motshekga, apparently said all guptarised cadres in his beloved movement should be jailed.
Obviously the laptops and fried chicken will be waiting in their cells.
Now the Basic Education Minister Angie Motshekga’s hubby – who once called the red bereted brats snakes in the honourable house – wants Guptarised people to fall.
Yours truly suspects there wont be anyone to man Luthuli House if that were to happen.
Another headlining honourable is the honourable Thuli Madonsela 2.0, also known as Busisiwe Mkhwebane, who wants Absa to pay back apartheid debts apparently because Zupta need more to loot from since the recession hit town.
Mkhwebane, whose pedigree as the Madonsela 2.0 is still to be proved, also wanted the Constitution to be changed so that there is space for both monopoly capital and Zupta to loot.
Yours truly doesn’t really care for much about the Reserve Bank and the money people, after all they don’t seem to have mercy on us despite our annual request for a booze grant.
To this day, if a young girl has a baby they will sponsor her with a grant but we resident upright citizens of Asphuzen Stokvel want a booze grant for the stress level to simmer a bit, this Zupta government people refuse.
But we will get them, Majakathata will be organisation a #BeerGrant protest to the union buildings soon. I know Cde Jeff will G.R.A.N.T our request at least.
As a die-hard Dube Birds fan, the highlight of my week was obviously the massacre at Moses Mabhida Stadium where the boys from Marabastad (Pretoria) skinned some former great team from Orlando.
I am not a mean comrade but 4–1 ... to understand the complexity and severity of conceding a total of 10 goals in two games to Supersport United, 1 needs to understand that it is 4 the good of all of us 4-1 of the former Soweto giants to fall on their own sword.
While still on diski circles in KwaZulu-Natal, Amazulu want to buy their way into the PSL, again!
MeThinks those moneyed Zulus should get the messages and rather stick to the sugarcane farming or better yet, direct those funds to my beloved Asphuzeni Stokvel where it is guaranteed to ensure the elimination of sobriety and its dry-throat symptoms.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.