Memory is the treasure of the mind and yours truly learnt of the importance of this lately when presiding over the pre-weekly general meeting drinking formalities of my beloved Asphuzeni at Konkodi’s tavern.
Sandwiched by son of Nkwanyana, the comforter (Mduduzi) of Etshodo and son of Mongale, the Willow of Sofaya, I led my faithfuls to the bottom of a lot of brown bottles and once again, we did not find solutions but traces thereof.
With the throats well soothed and logic and judgment well marinated with SAB’s finest, Nkwanyana let it be known that the phrase “Grade 2” was trending in the streets of Twitter. He had thought it was because Number One’s school report was leaked but he discovered through his record-playing wireless that the story behind was worse. A Grade 2 pupil was caught with a pistol apparently planning on handling some business, an apparent bully, at school.
Sister Bettinah – who is now a regular at Konkodi’s joint since her own drinking hole was shut down by authorities apparently for operating in the last two decades without a beer licence – disrupted Nkwanyana’s lies and said she had read from a reliable koerant that our money department was also captured and our hopes of Gigaba, whom we as Asphuzeni defended in his days of fine women problems, approving our beer grant were now slimmer than ever.
Sister Bettinah also said the party of Gigaba and Gwede hosted their Eastern Cape provincial chair conference where apparently all chairs except that of the chairpersons were thrown at those who were not acknowledged by the followers of then prospective chairperson, son of Mabuyane.
Sister Bettinah also announced that apparently Uncle Gwezy, at the revolutionary house in Sauer Street, will soon be announcing that all gatherings of the green, black and yellow party would be held without seats except that of the chairpersons. Apparently only members in good standing (position) will be allowed to attend such chairless congresses.
With the beer flow easing up, yours truly decamped and off into the dark dawn I headed to my corrugated castle.
Hardly a few minutes into my valued, long-awaited shut-eye, son of Ledwaba, the Gatsby of Mashashane woke me up with loud knocks, only to alert me that our thieving lying councillor had just been arrested. As expected, the upright member of our lovely township of Mashishing had summoned me to come begin celebrations “with immediate effect”. Of course my talented self obliged a street bash that will be spoken about for generations to come.
With every throat in sight wetted, son of Ledwaba let it be known that apparently candidate number two of eight, and current Number Two, Cereal Ramaposer, who had a presidential scandal baptism a few weeks ago, had opened a case with the men in blue of Mbalula. He wanted them, under the indirect command of his rival Number One, to find whomever snuck into his emails and whispered into the public’s ears that he was allegedly a man of many talents.
Apparently that thieving white-shoe wearing big-ears empty-head big-eyes visionless councillor of ours was caught drinking and drinking and Gumede, who apparently has relations with his (councillor’s) wife, ensured he would spent the entire weekend in a holding cell. A win-win situation is what his maths told him and yours truly agreed fully, and with his decision to sponsor the celebration with the bribe money for the week. Amen!
Gatsby also said apparently another candidate in the running for the chair of number one had told a gathering of mild radicals somewhere in the north that black people still had a raw deal. Yours truly is amazed at the suspiciously timed sudden wisdom of all eight of the candidates and, methinks, the talk shop is open for business till after their national chairless congress in December.
Son of Seisa, Emmanuel as birthnamed, disrupted and said apparently he had also heard through his wireless that former PAC honourable member-turned DA mayor Patricia de Lille and one of her councillors were suspended from the blue party by son of Mymoney. In her spinning dissection of the issue, Van Damme (who seemingly apparently defeated a lot of Zulu people according to one song) called the suspension “special leave”.
Son of Seisa, who is a veteran serial teetotalist but addicted to the smell of the holy brew of the brown bottle, said Lesetja Kganyago of Reserve Bank fame had given an Australian company a commercial banking licence and, by implication, the right to forward to my lovely Asphuzeni a decent sizeable drinking budget. Apparently even Motsepe is part of the bank, meaning a delegation led by yours truly will have to be sent to Sundowns to procure bank-sponsored beer. Mehopes they behave, unlike these current colluders we have.
After accomplishing my kasi patriotic duties with my usual excellence, I crawled back to my zinc castle to continue dreaming about a better Msanzi.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.