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Official muggings, 700 squishable counts – our cowntry has flexible morals

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The weekend was never ready for yours truly, just as the 700 charges were never ready for Baba kaDuduzane.

With invitations to preside over numerous aftertears and stokvel societies, yours truly opted to lead my Asphuzeni faithfuls to the aftertears drinking session of the late Njanja Mashishi, cousin of our thieving recently incarcerated-but-released-due-to-a-technicality councillor of ours and a popular equally corrupt traffic cop.

Njanja’s payola talents were so well-known that it is said his employment contract with our beloved Thaba Tshweu municipality has a bribe clause that makes it his official duty to have his palms greased at any given opportunity.

Indeed son of Mashishi was not ashamed of his talents. I have witnessed him body-searching a transgressing motorist whose only sin was driving 62km/h in a 60km/h zone.

The poor motorist’s pockets were thoroughly emptied and, because the threshold amount for “drinks” was not reached, a few litres of petrol was sucked from his car before he was let go, completing a proper official mugging.

So it was only fair that yours truly gather all his victims to celebrate his long-overdue departure to the land of Lucifer and indeed the gathering was packed to the rafters with SAB’s finest brown bottles flowing like manna from above.

In the midst of the glory of inebriation, the Willow of Sofaya, who has grown an intolerable habit of listening to the wireless more than he reads, like ordinary woke blacks, let it be known that apparently Number One’s 700 counts might not see the light of day, especially with Shaun the Sheep manning the gateway of the National Prosecuting Authority.

Silas, Son of Mokone, who still owes our stokvel but pretends not to remember, added that he had also read in one of the woke newspapers that apparently madam speaker of the honourable house in the Cape has officially disassociated herself from Number One and said she is not in his camp.

Baleka Mbete, who is a former ally of Number One, was allegedly dumped, according to that red bereted Julius Malema, in favour of Number One’s ex number wan.

Apparently another presidential candidate, Zweli of the Mkhize clan, also disassociated himself from Number One. Mkhize, who recently hit a nerve of fine political form, seemingly doesn’t want to buy the back-up plan of Baba ka Duduzane.

Son of Mokone also said apparently this guavament of ours wasted R200 million on a water pipeline project that went south. Apparently, according to Son of Mokone, millions of rands of pipeline were left to rot because the guavament refused to pay up.

With all the throats well soaked in the brew of the gods, and the moon shining over the beautiful mountains of Leolo, yours truly called it a day and headed to my corrugated castle, where dreams are carved on my jumping castle-style bed.

Having administered the best ever aftertears Mashishing has ever seen, yours truly was woken up by Son of Nkwanyana, the Mduduzi of Nongoma, who has been as scarce as a traffic cop at an ATM, only to tell me that Mbalula and MyMoney were at war.

Now, Son of Nkwanyana, who yours truly found recently, was actually heavily academified even with a masters degree in the study of plans or similar so-called science, is not actually a socially bright fellow. In fact, yours truly can safely say that he possesses the EQ of an infant.

According to Nkwanyana, Mbalula and MyMoney were at war but on Twitter.

With my sluggard friend having already terminated my peaceful sleep, duty was calling me at Asphuzeni to preside over yet another stokvel AGM and this time, Konkodi, as the newest member, was hosting.

Konkodi, who apparently is also educated as an artisan prior to being a shebeen king, highlighted that MyMoney’s blue brigade general by the name of Makashule, Son of Gana, penned a love letter to his fellow comrades and many were very unhappy.

Son of Gana, who apparently hails from the northern part of our neighbouring Limpopo province, apparently might be facing a banishment to that part of the country if his woke tendencies persist.

Konkodi, who has also of late developed morals almost more flexible than that of KMPG, said he was running out of our type of the immortal brew of wisdom and that he wanted us to pay for the upgrade to the green bottled brews and fermented grapes.

Of course we told him where to get off and fined him the rest of his precious stock, which we indulged in until the sorrows he caused us were completely drowned to our satisfaction.

And yours truly crawled back to my castle to once again attempt to dream this god forsaken cowntry into a rainbow paradise.

Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.



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