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KwaZulu-Natal is dealing with a tsunami of teenage pregnancies, which, according to the government, are rife because, “clearly, the blessers are running amok in the area”.
If you are unfamiliar with what a “blesser” is, it’s someone who gives you a lot of money for favours or, as they call them in Gauteng, Guptas.
And when blessers run amok, I can tell you, nobody is safe. It is ironic that the ANC can spot blessers running amok in KwaZulu-Natal, but when a president miraculously ends up with a R246 million home extension in the province, they don’t realise what’s going on.
Oddly enough, the Inkatha Freedom Party, in spite of this wave of KwaZulu-Natal blessers, is into virginity testing. I don’t have firm evidence, but I’m pretty sure they don’t expect the blessers to also get tested.
I watched President Jacob Zuma’s Q&A in Parliament this week, and there was not one mention of blessers. I suspect he thinks “blesser” is a code name for Ray McCauley (Rhema Church founder), which is ironic considering that the man – Zuma not McCauley, or maybe both – has single-handedly made blessers a function of government.
Don’t get me wrong, I am aware white capital wrangled itself into an awkwardly negotiated economic settlement by being blessers for many black people trying to get into business, otherwise known as Cyril Ramaphosa Syndrome.
Zuma speaks the language of politics. We aren’t “people”, we are “compatriots”, which makes us sound like a Mel Gibson movie. Mr Zuma doesn’t “admit guilt”, he “applies his mind”, which makes his head sound like glue stick. This week’s Q&A session in Parliament had Zuma at his most honest when he said: “If I am a joke, you must laugh.” But Mr President, we have been laughing.
The only point of clarity was when he admitted that the fire pool at his Nkandla home was a swimming pool, which is dangerous because Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) leader Julius Malema suggested people should burn down the ANC rather than schools, and right now the fire pool (that’s a swimming pool) is in the wrong place.
Of course the EFF was thrown out of Parliament again. We’ve seen more reruns of this old show than the SABC trying to air 90% local content. If all they have is show business, the EFF might as well sell itself to SABC chief operating officer Hlaudi Motsoeneng. He’ll say yes, because the SABC will need to up its artist development game if it is to ensure we get 54 minutes of amazing South African music and then just six minutes of Beyoncé an hour.
Local is lekker, but we are addicted to lemonade.
@chestermissing is SA’s top political analyst puppet. He is associated with ventriloquist @conradkoc
