News

Headlines you won’t see in 2016

2016-01-05 10:30

We have a good idea what this year’s big stories will be, but Mondli Makhanya muses about what won’t be happening

Man recognises Van Rooyen

After months of humiliation, during which he was kicked out of VIP lounges by staff who thought he was a chance taker, his bodyguards mistook him for being one of them and fellow ministers thought he was a minute taker and shut him up when he spoke during a Cabinet meeting, David van Rooyen was finally recognised by a member of the public.

The incident occurred during a ministerial visit to a town on the West Rand, where a resident walked up to him and reminded him of the days when he used to dance at parties till dawn.

“Des! Where have you been? What do you do now?” the excited man asked an irritated and disappointed Van Rooyen, who was initially relieved at being recognised.

MaNtuli launches cookbook in Nkandla

In what was seen as gesture of goodwill, President Jacob Zuma allowed his estranged wife, Nompumelelo Ntuli-Zuma, to launch a recipe book at the family compound in Nkandla.

It was the first time MaNtuli was permitted on to the premises since being dramatically kicked out in 2015 after being accused of trying to poison the president.

The launch coincided with Zuma’s birthday and MaNtuli prepared an array of dishes from her new book for the guests.

Unsurprisingly, Zuma did not touch any of the dishes on offer, preferring to raid MaKhumalo’s tuck shop for biscuits and crispy chips.

Mngxitama gets white bosom buddy

Former EFF parliamentarian Andile Mngxitama, renowned for his less-than-warm attitude towards paler-skinned South Africans, has been spotted hanging around Johannesburg bars and eateries with a white friend named Craig.

The blossoming friendship between the two men has set tongues wagging, as Mngxitama, now the leader of the Black First Land First organisation, is said to believe that the only whites worth befriending are those who reside at Westpark Cemetery.

“This is a sign that the message of Tutu and Mandela is finally reaching into the very corners of society,” said a political commentator.

Mokonyane buys ankle-length dress

Water Affairs and Sanitation Minister Nomvula Mokonyane has ditched her famous miniskirts for a more conservative look. Sales staff at boutique stores in Johannesburg and Cape Town say the stylish Mama Action has been shopping up a storm, replacing her wardrobe with trendy maxi dresses.

Approached for comment by a fashion website, Mokonyane said she had taken a New Year’s resolution to cover up her best assets.

“I realised I’m not 25 any more and I needed to stop competing with the young girls who chase after sugar daddies in night clubs. I’m very comfortable with my age and I’m looking forward to my sixties,” she said.

Bonang swears off love

It girl Bonang Matheba has decided to take a break from dating. The socialite radio presenter’s love life (if it can be called that) has been fodder for the tabloids in recent years as she raced from one relationship to the next. She also developed a reputation for having questionable taste in men.

“I can now start preparing to settle down. In order to do that, I must slow down and disappear from the tabloid pages so that my future Mr Right is not put off by all the scandals,” was how she explained her decision.

Dlamini-Zuma sustains a smile

As the ANC’s succession race hots up, African Union (AU) Commission chairperson Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma has been spotted smiling over three consecutive days. What was even more alarming was that Dlamini-Zuma, who runs the Ethiopia-based AU from South Africa, sustained the smiles for more than 10 seconds each.

ANC insiders said her backers in the Premier League had hired a smile therapist for her, and she would be seen smiling a lot more between now and the ANC’s elective congress in December next year.

South Africans understand Komphela

In an extraordinary turn of events, Kaizer Chiefs coach Steve Komphela completed an interview the whole nation understood. The coach usually has TV viewers reaching for their advanced thesauruses when he speaks. His verbose and bombastic style has been blamed for Chiefs’ plunge in form, as the players’ average literacy is equal to that of South Africa’s president.

Dali Tambo finally releases much-awaited documentary

Last year, the year before and the year before and the year before that, businessman and film maker Dali Tambo was expected to finally release the documentary that he said he was researching when he was caught in a raid at The Ranch strip club a decade ago.

Alas, another year passed and the documentary was not forthcoming. It is now expected that South Africa’s most anticipated documentary will eventually hit the screens this year.

Guptas score straightforward contract

In a historic development, the Gupta family secured a contract without the help of powerful higher-ups.

News of this came hot on the heels of revelations that the well-connected family, who normally invite politicians and senior bureaucrats to their home for some influence trading, had a whole meal by themselves. Gupta staff told this newspaper the table was very quiet, as family members didn’t know what to say to each other in the absence of strangers.

Speaking of the straightforward deal, a political analyst said the Guptas were practising for the post-Zuma era.

Khulubuse Zuma halves weight

President Zuma’s nephew Khulubuse Zuma has responded to health warnings from his doctors by halving his weight to 413kg.

Zuma was expanding at an alarming rate since his uncle’s inauguration in 2009, to the point where he had to hire a personal shoe-lacer.

His doctors put him on a strict salad-and-fruit diet when he hit the 800kg mark.

March 29 2020