President Jacob Zuma. Picture: Siyanda Mayeza ~
So it is official. President Jacob Zuma is not crazy.
He said as much at the weekend when he went on a roadshow convincing ANC members that they should keep him in power.
“If I was crazy, I would make the whole of South Africa crazy as well,” he assured us.
A few days later it was reported that a prophet of Doom had emerged in Limpopo.
The prophet, by the name of Lethebo Rabalago, heals people by spraying them with Doom insecticide.
He is in a long line of holy men who heal people by feeding them snakes and rats, making them eat grass or drink petrol, touching their genitals and running over them with cars.
“In the book of Genesis the spirit of God was hovering over the water. [Therefore] everything here on Earth belongs to God. Petrol belongs to God. Doom belongs to God. Some people came with injuries but we sprayed them and they were healed,” Rabalago was quoted as saying this week.
People believed him and they flocked to his church to be sprayed like cockroaches.
Doom manufacturer Tiger Brands did not take kindly to this new use for their product, explaining that the spray “has been formulated to kill specific insects which are detailed on the cans”.
South Africa is not crazy?
Round about the same time the Pan-Africanist Congress awoke from its slumber to issue a statement about the Hartbeespoort Dam boat accident that killed four people at the weekend.
Three people drowned and another was burnt to death in the accident, which occurred during a party cruise.
Sending its condolences, the PAC went into wild hyperbole.
“[The PAC] is saddened by the Hartbeespoort Titanic tragedy,” said the party whose existence had been forgotten by everyone.
The statement went on to say that the fact that the fire on the boat was caused by a cigarette made the PAC wonder whether the passengers might have been consuming alcohol.
“If they were consuming alcohol how do you allow people to consume such refreshments in such an environment which needs much caution,” said the party of Carlson Zimbiri, the PAC’s erstwhile phantom guerilla commander.
Well duh, it was a party boat. They were holding a prayer service for rain in the middle of Hartbeespoort Dam.
South Africa is definitely not crazy?
Is it not crazy when the president’s son threatens slaughter?
“We want economic liberation and if it means we attain that economic liberation we have to fight for it and kill people, so be it. We will kill people to attain this economic liberation,” Edward Zuma told City Press a few days ago.
Is it not crazy when the minister of sport and senior ANC member Fikile Mbalula is caught snitching to his pals that the party’s secretary-general Gwede Mantashe “is a snitch”.
Adding doubt to president’s assertion about the craziness of South Africans were the promises made to Zuma by the bulging Collen “Oros” Maine.
Oros told one of the Zuma defence rallies that the president was safe in his position because the ANC Youth League young troops would defend him until 2019.
“We love him, we respect him and we will protect him because he is our president,” he said.
One glance at Oros should have had Zuma worried. Who on earth would want their political survival to be guaranteed by THAT?
Especially since the other person offering a similar guarantee is an alleged military veteran with “boep” the size of a Free State maize farmer.
Another one, a minister, was told to keep an eye on foreign interests but instead took an interest in foreign lasses who could massage him into happy endings.
These are just not the people to protect our dearly beloved leader from the evil forces that he warned us about at the weekend.
According to the dearly beloved leader the Western powers have been conspiring with those bad people with pale skins and loads of money to bring him down.
These pale tycoons then summoned Mmusi Maimane, Julius Malema, Bantu Holomisa, Pieter Mulder and Mangosuthu Buthelezi and convinced them all to join their regime change programme.
All enthusiastically joined.
With the pale tycoons and unpatriotic opposition parties sewn up, the imperialists went a step further to make this coup foolproof.
Employing advanced techniques they managed to hypnotise more than 100 respected ANC veterans.
While in that state of collective hypnosis these veterans signed up to the treasonous plot of trying to unseat the greatest ANC president since 1912 and the only man standing between Africa and the re-colonising forces.
Stalwarts who had spent nearly 30 years in apartheid prisons, individuals who spent decades in exile and others who had defied the terror of the apartheid security police, all signed up to this treacherous project.
They agreed to sell the ANC down the river and hand the country to greedy imperialists.
At least that’s what President Jacob Zuma told us. And he is not crazy.