9 things men can do to end rape culture

Let’s admit it, men are to women and society what white people are to black people – violent in their blinding privilege, incapable of reflecting on their violent ways and quick to play the victim when confronted with the reality of their violence.

To ensure we live in an inclusive and safe space where women feel secure to live and love, men have to play their part and unlearn a lot about how they view and treat women.

As a man, here are nine things you can do to make life easier for women and to stop being complicit in rape culture:

1. Believe women

When a woman tells her story about gender-based violence, believe her. She’s not overreacting or imagining it. By not believing her, you worsen the level of abuse she has to deal with.

2. NO means NO!

“No” is not an opportunity for you to get creative in your predatory pursuit. When a woman says no, and you think she is playing “hard to get” just know that you are deep in rapist territory. Pursuing someone after they’ve made it clear that they are not interested in you is perpetuating rape culture.

3. Stop saying or thinking 'our women' 

You don’t own them. They are not yours, and nor are their bodies. The “our women” mentality is why men feel entitled to inflict harm on and dispose of women and their bodies on a whim. Real change in our society will take place as soon as men and boys understand that they don’t own women.

4. Rape is not a punchline

Rape jokes are never funny. This goes for any joke that objectifies women as mere objects of desire for men and does not consider women as holistic humans with feelings, thoughts and lived experiences. If someone makes such jokes in your presence and you don’t call them out, you might as well have made the joke yourself.

5. Transactional approach to dating 

Buying someone a drink or anything else does not mean they are now obliged to have sex with you. If you expect people to have sex with you because you bought them alcohol, you should probably investigate your predatory nature of wanting to have sex with someone who is intoxicated.

6. Her mind and her feelings are hers to change 

When someone decides to have sex with you, they can change their mind at any point – and that is okay. Continuing to have sex with someone against their will, no matter how heightened things might be, is rape.

7. Consent is sexy 

Ask: May I kiss you? May I hold your hand? Do you want to go further? Are you happy for us to continue? The idea that asking is not sexy is rooted deep within rape culture and must be done away with. It should not be like this, but you may get brownie points for doing the bare minimum – establishing consent.

8. Women can wear whatever they want 

And so can you – without having to worry about being subjected to violence. Whenever you make inappropriate comments about women’s clothing, which almost always has to do with you, remember that you are perpetuating the problematic narrative that women who get raped asked for it. Don’t tell women who and how they should be.

9. Become an ally 

When you see a woman in an uncomfortable situation that involves another man, make her safety your problem. This will go a long way towards creating a space where women can feel safe – if not around all men, at least around some men.

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