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Why do men have children they don’t want; have children with women they don’t want; and have children they want, with women they want, yet neglect to raise those children?
Why do men behave as though they hate their women and their children?
I have not used the apologetic term “some men” because I am not referring to subjective cases, but to what I perceive to be a universal condition contaminating masculinity.
Men are at war with themselves – and women and children are the innocents hurt in the process. I have a hypothesis that it is not the child or the mother who creates a bad father, it is the other men around him. In turn, he creates bad fathers in others.
Peer pressure among men is the source of all the pain and suffering of their partners and children. I reiterate that I am speaking about all men.
Before dismissing me as just another bitter woman on a feminist rant, know that I find men fascinating and believe that the more I understand them, the more rewarding my relationships with them will be.
That is why I believe it is their painful context that makes them so hurtful. Patriarchy is the assigned scapegoat for the problems women have had and continue to have.
However, we are missing a step in this logic of blame. Patriarchy operates on three levels: It originates in the domination of men by men, proceeds to the domination of women by men and finally the domination of children by men.
The interpersonal and group dynamics among boys and men result in a hierarchy of power based of psychosocial qualities.
The boys and men – who are placed higher in the patriarchal hierarchy by personality, talent, money, influence or savvy – dominate and bully those who have fewer or none of these qualities.
Since we have evolved, the majority of the lower-placed men are not physically killed off, but are subjected to psychological warfare – “survival of the fittest” and “watch your back”.
The ones who are violent and murderous are ironically showing the most honest display of the warlike masculinity they all inhabit. Socialisation has not been kind to boys and men.
I won’t rehash all the psychological research findings about the different ways boys and girls are raised, but that hegemonic masculinity is a tyrant to men primarily, and then to women by extension.
So-called alpha males are bullying the rest of the men into submission through structures and institutions that breed competition among them and make them feel inadequate. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche called this the master-slave morality.
For centuries men have been trapped in a gender role that makes them just wild enough to operate and enforce the master’s agenda, yet tame enough not to turn against the master.
How else do you explain a brown-haired, brown-eyed Adolf Hitler convincing a whole nation to cultivate a blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryan race?
Hitlers in every society dictated aeons ago that “real” boys and men have muscular physiques; are attractive; can fight physically to assert power; hide their emotions so enemies don’t get the upper hand; usurp physical and psychological power from the weaker ones; are talented, articulate and charismatic; and own women, children and property to assert their influence and wealth.
This impossible qualification is called masculinity. Men who are neglected, dominated or abused by their fathers have no positive role model for functional manhood.
Add to that racial and social dynamics which label them as superior or inferior, polarising them from counterparts.
There are socioeconomic dynamics that render some rich or poor, with power or absence thereof. The psychological effect of this results in angry men who often feel powerless and insecure, or guilty for exerting power over others.
Now take the remnants of a man wounded in this way and place him in the role of a father. Every child who is starved of their father’s love, affection and attention suffers because of the men in their father’s life.
I have heard anecdotes and witnessed incidents in which male friends mock one of their own for being devoted to his partner and children. Their view is that it’s “Bros [Brothers] first” because friends apparently would never disappoint a man the way a woman or child would.
Yet, ironically, these men are in abusive relationships with one another and suffer from “battered man syndrome”.
Among those who manipulate the devoted father are others who envy his functional family.
Then there is the one who has children by several women and his story is that these women have issues that prevent him from having relationships with his children – this despite that he is the common denominator, but nevertheless his friends support the delusion that he is a victim.
There is also one who was married and, after getting divorced, he started another family and no longer sees his children from the previous marriage – his excuse is that the ex is trying to use the children to punish him.
Another is unemployed but tries to keep up with maintenance payments for a child he did not plan.
The only one who is single and without children is teased that he is probably gay or is “shooting blanks”, hence failing to have children. They laugh when he says he is waiting to marry the right woman to raise children together in a stable home – unlike his father.
The peer pressure dynamics related to fatherhood among these friends are judgement, mockery, envy, manipulation, delusion, excuses and desperation.
These men hold the destinies of several children in their hands, from the influence their interactions have on one another. Each of their children is affected by these and other dynamics.
The mothers of their children are scapegoats for the effects of a toxic masculinity that poisons men against one another, and then contaminates the rest of their relationships.
So, whenever we are called on to mark Father’s Day, there is an awkward and strained celebration of men who disregard, bully and hurt their children.
Setlaelo is a writer
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