The past week has been nothing but blissful, and true to my reputation of possessing a perdurable appetite for the brown bottled brew, I was not going to let two weddings and funeral pull a Koo (coup) on me.
As early as when the cocks crowed to usher in the beautiful Mpumalanga dawn, the Son of Mongale, the Willow of Sofaya, invaded my shack castle with an invitation to preside over the wedding-after session at what was probably the most depressing wedding in the whole of Skomplaas since the day that thieving councillor of ours tied the knot last year on April Fool’s Day.
The nuptials ceremony belonged to Daughter of Gumede, the most corrupt man in blue this side of the KwaZulu-Natal border, and some cursed and bored poor young man from the village of Mapangula somewhere in the belly of Limpopo province.
The sight of that eyesore, loud hag of a bride and the innocent-looking big-nosed lad from that witchcraft-rich village in Limpopo was exactly what the devil probably ordered.
With the nuptials done and dusted and images of the sad sight still fresh, it was time for the brew to flow and, without mercy on Gumede’s bottomless pockets, it did.
Son of Seisa, Emmanuel, who has been as scarce as Julius Malema’s voice on the Koo of the uncles, said he had read in the woke media that Son of Molefe, let Number One keep his job for now and instead opted to be a colonel in the army.
Apparently, according to Son of Seisa, Molefe, who has over the last eight months been a chief executive, an MP, a chief executive again and now a colonel, can have any job he wants in the republic and the only position he can’t get is the one he doesn’t want.
Methinks either Molefe’s good luck is as stubborn as a 93-year-old war vet from Rhodesia or the Guptas have not yet seen signs of a coming Koo their way.
Seisa also said apparently the Gupta-cum-Manyi cartoon channel on the telly might be canned come next June because apparently DStv needs the slot for cartoon channels that are serious with their fabrications.
Methinks it’s sad that Gupta TV will be canned as it denies yours truly worthy entertaining alternative facts.
With that horrible wedding dusted off and the equally bitter beer drying up, yours truly led my Asphuzeni congregants to what turned out to be the best funeral ever in Mashishing.
The deceased – a young, lying prosecutor nephew of my former friend Sister Bettinah – was finally ushered to death’s door with a bullet to his behind by one of the hundreds of criminals he declined to prosecute, because karma got jokes like that.
With the tearless formalities done and his bullet-riddled body reconciled with dust, Sister Bettinah – who had earlier tried to shed a tear but failed dismally – hosted the aftertears at her dilapidated former tavern.
As her now enemy-in-chief because of her lack of general drinking etiquette, I ensured the session buried her profitless tills even more.
With all throats wetted and wisdom sunk to the beer-filled bellies, Son of Mokone said apparently the oldest ruler on the continent, most educated president and Number One’s role model, Robert Gabriel Moogabe showed his entire country his famous middle finger, again.
The honourable Uncle Gab had apparently promised the army of Molefes, generals and colonels in that country that he would be announcing his resignation only to pull a finger on their bloodless Koo.
Methinks the old man has finally gone cuckoo and the Koo won’t cut it. All Zimbabwe needs is some state capture from Saxonwold.
Son of Mokone, who has grown a habit of appearing to disappear when the bottoms of the bottles appear, also said he read in one of the woke Sunday papers that apparently the clever boys sent the students of Naturena English Academy packing when the two met for game of diski over the weekend.
With Bafana coach Baxter leading his talented bunch into the worst of the worst of the worst period of soccer at Safa House, one wonders if a Koo by Asphuzeni at that former soccer organisation wouldn’t help.
Emptied beer bottles signalled that all roads needed to lead to the wedding of the beauty of Mashishing.
Viola is the only sun-kissed vixen who has ever made it to the agenda of Asphuzeni meeting as a standalone item.
Her unavoidable ravishing looks were clearly causing a lot of wives sleepless nights when she was hanging out at Konkodi’s drinking hole.
Now Viola, daughter of Mabhekaphansi, is a matriarch typical happy-day creation of the holy creator and a prime depiction of beauty and she opted to overlook the likes of yours truly and marry some hungry-looking fellow from north of the Limpopo called Tatenda.
Needless to say, I had to be a witness to believe it.
Arriving at the compound of Mabhekaphansi, there was just too much jubilation by his new inlaws for it to just be about their son marrying such a looker, so upon my probing, yours truly found out that the Zimbabweans were celebrating because Uncle Bob had fell from grace and the South Africans were hoping Bob’s WhatsApp groupmate, Number One would follow too.
Naturally, the depressing sight called for more of SAB’s finest brown bottled brew to be emptied through my reliable throat and that’s exactly what the gods let transpire.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.