All that matters is that our president has great dance moves

2017-05-18 05:52

The last few weeks have been very exciting for yours truly and, by extension, Mzansi of course.

On Sunday morning as I led my hungover loyal congregants of Asphuzeni Stokvel into a pre-social lubrication formality, a debate broke out about whether the country is indeed “junk”, as relegated by those two loan lobbying spazas based over the seas, or we have a “junk” president, or we are just led by a “junk” party.

Bobo Skhotane, our secretary, who always claims to have once worked at the Saxonwold Shebeen as a chief of staff (of course we know it’s a blue lie; word has it he’s never even been outside this Mpumalanga province of ours), kicked off the discussions by suggesting that the country was under attack by “neo-liberal capitalistic monopoly leftists with anti-Marxist agenda” to which we all just burst into laughter, only to realise later that while we were laughing so hard Bobo gulped half a ngudu (750ml), against our drinking protocol.

Matshekane, son of the Dabula, a proud Mozambican native, agreed with Skhothane, probably because he knew all our eyes were now glued to the brown bottle and any attempt to make us laugh would be met with xenophobic ejection.

Yours truly, whose opinion is always the one that matters as chairperson, president and everything of the stokvel, thinks we deserve the government we voted for. After all, our president has great dance moves and in my book that matters a lot.

First, it was Brian Molefe quitting the governing benches of the honourable House to return to Eish!kom, this after the former power cutter declined to top up his personal account with R30 million for having worked there less than two years.

Molefe, who was initially tipped to replace Pravin of the house of Gordhan, saw no career prospects in the ANC benches in Parliament and returned to his former employer. Like any self-loathing governing board of directors, the Eish!kom welcomed him with open arms, much to the annoyance of the blue and red brigades of Parliament’s cold opposition benches and the Mantashing chiefs in Luthuli House.

Anyway, the chiefs summoned their fellow chief who heads public enterprises, comrade Lynn Brown, and ordered her to tell Molefe to get lost. Needless to say, they may still make a U-turn (a 360-Mantash) on that decision.

Though public opinion suggests Molefe is up to no good, yours truly thinks he knows better than to let the beers at the Saxonwold Shebeen go cold. Teetotallers have no idea at all.

And then to add a spin on things (and a dash on the rocks), Molefe’s former boss while he was in the office of the premier in the northern province almost two decades ago, Ngoako Ramatlhodi, claimed Molefe and Ben Ngubane, Chairperson of Eish!kom Board, whispered loudly in his ear to help the Guptas capture Glencore’s local operations.

Ramatlhodi, also a recent victim of Number One’s midnight reshuffling pastimes, went on to say he was asked to meet a Gupta by the billionaire son of Number One, and he declined, potentially missing out on a lot of good beer and possibly bags of cash for pocket money.

Anyway, now that he sees less of Number One because he is not in Number One’s Cabinet (or pocket), Ramatlhodi sang like a canary and, like a peacetime hero, he is hailed a saviour.

Methinks Ramatlhodi’s meeting with Duduzane (son of Zuma) was not only to meet with a Gupta but was more than that. But my overactive imagination is known for great tales.

While the spotlight is on Eish!kom, the boss of the men in blue (Kgomotso Phahlane) and their watchdog (Ipid) were in Parliament, accusing each other of being captured and reporting on investigating each other. All this while there seems to be an open season declared by rapist and murderers across the country. Yours truly misses Bheki Cele indeed, he of the stomach-in chest-out fame.

Social Development Minister Bathabile Dlamini is also said to have funded her children’s security from our grant money. Needless to say my beer grant petition will never see the light of day thanks to her.

But my highlight of the week has to be the court bid by General Bantu Holomisa’s United Democratic Movement to protect ANC MPs’ jobs without their support and his lawyer of choice was Dali Mpofu, he of the money-before-red beret fame.

General Bantu’s court application is interesting indeed, because it means if he wins and the cowards (as Julius refers to them) vote in secret and keep their jobs, the same cowards can be bought next time to dethrone anyone again.

On the sidelines of the court, yours truly couldn’t help but notice that the Sello of Seshego, and his red-bereted brats seem to be aligning closer and closer to the party of the Madam and his tea-girls and boys, as Julius himself once said.

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February 25 2018