This past weekend was one of those weekends when the gods proved once and for all to see that they are indeed African and they originate from Mpumalanga, particularly my wonderful Skomplaas and precisely in my shack mansion.
Yours truly presided over a dozen sessions and like a Code 14 that I am, I imbibed the finest and the worst just to remain in touch with the masses.
Daughter of Gumede was getting married to some tenderprenuer from the western neighbours of Limpopo and though their goat meat ran out even before the greedy BaPedis arrived in their noise-coloured outfits, yours truly was trusted with manning the fully packed bar.
Of course I made sure no one deserves the punishment of a hangover when I am around, and I was the saviour once again and saved them from getting drunk themselves.
My great reputation also secured me four similar reliable ad hoc duties including at the tearless funeral of the late Konkodi, son of Zwane Mangethe, the one who was shot by his neighbour for allegedly stealing conjugal rights. Needless to say there was no after tears, just joy.
I also urgently convened my congregants of my beloved stokvel to discuss how best to find and deliver to our KFC-eating laptop-accessing stripper lapdance-having prison the thieves who stole computers from the Hawks’ Silverton offices, while searching for the solution the best place we know – at the bottom of the bottled cold beverages.
Another office was burgled again in the capital of SPitori, wa nyewa mos!
Read: Hawks break-in: Everyone is a suspect
While searching for the solutions of this great country of ours in a pond of the finest fermented hops and barley, the court told Son of Masutha that he must show his face at the International Criminal Court because he let Omar al-Bashir show his face in Msanzi without showing his face in prison.
Read: Government to study ICC ruling on Omar al-Bashir
The bloody agents from the land of the queen and our gold, Bell Pottinger aka Bell-maphotas, have finally broke their lying silence when they spilled the Koo beans on our presidential handlers, the capturers from the Saxonwold shebeen.
Bell-Maphotas said askies for Satafrikans for being instrumental in the capturing but they lacked the decency to slaughter a beast and buy a truck or two of South African Breweries’ finest brown bottled waters of wisdom.
We at Asphuzen will be waiting for that truck before the Babalaas kicks in on Sunday morning because just askies alone won’t cut it, just askies, not beer! no nothing?
How dare they? How is an upright citizen like the Son of Majakathata supposed to even think of forgiving them if his throat is dry and the gods are threatening to punish him with a hangover?
Daughter of Mbete wants to lead and like the veteran EFF-trained strategist she is, she announced this before the Son of Msholozi’s imminent possible secret ballot vote of zilch confidence, so that should Number One of any of his stoogies call her to order, she will order the ballot to be sealed and seal the fate of Number One.
That right there is called making the revolutionary disciplining!
Read: Baleka: Why I must lead
Still on Number One, he told the fellows who were discussing colour-coordination of monopoly capital at Nasrec that he doesn’t want his slate left out when they lose and winner-takes-all should only apply to him because jail was not in his plans when the Venda Billionaire ascends.
Msholozi basically told those fellows that “listen here cadres, comrades and fellow thieves, if my people don’t win, especially my ex wife, then no one must win, you hear me?” and the masses clapped hands as usual.
Read: Dlamini-Zuma backs Zuma’s power-sharing proposal
The highlight of my few sober hours was the great daughter of Khoza, Makhosi, when she allegedly dared the revolutionary sellouts to fire her for allegedly speaking what was in her weaved head.
Read: ‘Let them fire me’
While those green, black and gold agents were discussing colours at Nasrec, Wits captured the most skilful player to ever come of out post-1996 Bafana Bafana.
The one who once gave legendary Patrick Vieira, of Arsenal fame, a crash course in diski spy2mpama.
Read: Scramble to sign players intensifies
Wits’s Hunt also managed to Hunt and capture another former Ajax star, Son of Claasen and while the Naturena institute of English in Phefeni were napping, their neighbour and former big team in Orlando captured the Younger Son of Sangweni too, yours truly hopes they did not neglect to pray because nothing else will help them next season if the bank is not broken.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.