Don't forget the kids this December

Summer is cheating season for several reasons, but we’ll get back to that later. First, let’s talk about marriage. At its worst, mainstream matrimony is the equivalent of two crash test dummies meeting each other down the aisle, before steering their lives into a series of walls called the unknown.

Psychologist Jordan B Peterson suggests that into the very contract drawn up to legally bind a couple together, are interwoven sentiments that presume an arduous, if not hellish, future.

He says: “This is built into marital vows: ‘I’m not leaving, ever; no matter what!’ Sure, people say the possibility of divorce makes you free. But do you want that? Really? This is a vow … and a hell of a vow … but what’s the alternative? Multiple divorces and a fragmented family by the age of 50?

“Marriage is a form of voluntary enslavement, but it’s also equivalent to the adoption of a responsibility. Divorce, especially when you have kids, is like a non-fatal cancer; it will really disrupt your relationship with your kids … It’s not good for them in the least!”

The epiphany I had on hearing this left me feeling as though I’d been yanked from a hot bath, and sat directly under the violent spray of an ice-cold shower. The world is not short of jokes about the loss of one’s freedom and identity in a marriage.

As some of the stereotypes go, wives surrender to husbands who cheat perpetually and husbands submit to wives who are always right, especially when they are wrong. If most truths are indeed spoken in jest, marriage is then a task too onerous to undertake lightly. But here we are today, still at it.

Read: KFC proposal opens hearts

After six years and a toddler, I, too, succumbed to the knot. Recently, the country’s social media was abuzz after a video of a man proposing to his parner at a KFC outlet left everyone’s heart filled with the warmth of a bucket of fried wings.

Businesses flung self-promotional help at the couple, promising to sponsor this or that for their wedding.

Read: Pledges galore as South Africans rally around KFC proposal couple

The pair enjoyed their 15 minutes of fame, but some of your consistent faves have long been at this. Romeo and Basetsana Kumalo seem to be getting it right. Shona and Connie Ferguson are practically bald and grey together. Kabelo Mabalane seems to be a lifer (with his wife Gail) at something other than being a pantsula for life.

Yet his TKZee partner Zwai Bala did not fare so well after a decade with his ex-wife Melanie Son. According to Son, they were different in their 40s to the individuals they were when they met in their 20s.

Growth, and the distance it can create in goals and ways of living, can lead to a split. The collapse doesn’t always have to be about cheating. Yet oftentimes it is.

These other cracks are merely precursors. Let’s look at your other faves (if only for a shared frame of reference we won’t achieve if I tell you about my bungling family and friends). On one hand we have Sjava and Lady Zamar (allegedly the mistress), and on the other we have DJ Black Coffee, real name Nkosinathi Maphumulo, and Enhle Mbali Mlotshwa. There have been allegations of cheating in these relationships, claims which are connected to splits.

Now, into the mix of these two couples, throw in Rachel and Siya Kolisi. Before you get touched on your studio, I know Siya and his wife have no such cloud hanging over them (publicly).

Only a week or so ago Siya was seen in the City of Love – with the Eiffel Tower in the background – lifting his beloved like Eben Etzebeth at a line-out. Yet, after the greatest triumph of his career at the Rugby World Cup in Japan, all manner of emboldened women were publicly offering him spoils of sorts, with zero regard for his wife. And it wasn’t the first time Rachel’s marriage was under fire.

This is where you come in. Regardless of whether couples are going through a rough or happy time, there are always those on the outside wishing they were on the inside of everything, much like Don Floro in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera.

At least Don Floro was bound to Fermina Daza by a love of many years, even though she later became Dr Urbino’s wife. The real people in and around your life may simply want to body your partner. Your partner, too, for whatever reason, may want someone else. But this is complex. There are various reasons for this.

Relationship expert Esther Perel (and clinical psychologist Dr Tshepiso Matentjie corroborates) suggests that milestones, such as the birth of a baby – something often seen as positive in a couple’s life – could lead to a myriad of problems. The woman, even if not experiencing postpartum depression or other grave complications, may be physically out of commission in terms of intimacy. She simply may not have time, due to the daunting work it takes to be a new mother.

In a relationship without fluid communication and understanding, this can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment in the man. Cheating may ensue.

Terminal illness or death of a family member or close friend can stir up the immediacy of mortality in one’s imagination. Witnessing a loved one going through cancer, for example, may communicate how short life is, and where a marriage is already burdened with problems, one partner may decide to live a little, and explore. Job losses, financial difficulties and other hardships can be hazards.

Recently though, I learnt that Dezemba is major action time, sexually. Most South African children tend to be born in September. This means that in the holiday months, their parents are busy with the act of making them.

Interestingly, one of the reasons highlighted for this is vacation time, and the spouses’s children being away with relatives. While some parents play together in their children’s absence, this freeing up of their time also means those not necessarily getting along with their partners can make time to play away from home (where the kids are usually the glue).

To the above, add that humans are more disposed to having sexual relations in the warmer months. Skimpier clothes may awake more interest in the bodies of others, the warmer weather might lead others to feel freer. Some online dating sites have shown an increase in the activity of women in warmer times.

One such is infidelity site Ashley Madison.

But according to the Central European Journal of Urology, on a biochemical level, for males testosterone increases in the warmer months and leads to changes in sexual behaviour. Then there’s alcohol and merrymaking.

But at the centre of everything are children. There is very little we do in our roles as their parents that doesn’t affect them. To think one day we are going to build communities and a country that is not primarily of sufferers, is to commit to keeping happy children first.

We can do none of the above without families that function first for the success of the child. Most modern cultures that have progressed have had their progeny at the centre of their determination.

Raising your children with support is one of the deepest political acts one can perform – certainly deeper than joining the ANC, DA, or any new Mmusi “Better Have” Maimane party. This is something we do not do well, particularly as African men. So, whatever the driver of sexual activity may be for you this summer, go in ready to fortify your relationship against infidelity.

It is a wrong that’s difficult to set right. It can often be the final straw in a relationship, leading to a split that leaves the children marooned and headed for failure. Infidelity can be survived, but of course the goal is to avoid it. In avoiding it, however, there is nothing you can ever do to stop your partner (from cheating).

Only one person has the power to prevent it. That person is always YOU. But what if a couple has no kids? Well, they have none. Happy December!

Hermanus is the author of The Eyes of the Naked – a political and psychological novel

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