Voices

Guns and politics are a bad mix

2020-02-17 13:00

I am probably the only person who – when US president, then candidate Donald Trump, said, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any votes” – saw a pistol in his hand. It was a Glock 45.

Weapons have always looked crude in the hands of politicians.

Late Palestine Liberation Organisation chairperson Yasser Arafat’s pistol looked dodgy even when neatly tucked into its holster. That was regardless of the whole world resigned to his “freedom fighter” credentials.

It is advisable for politicians to simply stay off guns – they, like lies, don’t suit them.

Zuma wanted the real thing. And when he finally posted a picture of himself, amid the confusion of his state of health, mounting a rifle on top of a quad bike, the nation went berserk

But maybe this advice would not work on a man who has been calling for his machine gun to be returned to him since he was chucked out of the deputy presidency office by his then boss, Thabo Mbeki, in 2005. That metaphorical machine gun was presumed to be the reins of power which he got in 2009. But no, that probably was not the machine gun Jacob Zuma has always sung, gyrated to and cradled in his marathon court appearances.

Zuma wanted the real thing. And when he finally posted a picture of himself, amid the confusion of his state of health, mounting a rifle on top of a quad bike, the nation went berserk. How can a man who is rumoured to be ill tweet a picture of himself taking aim with a rifle?

Given the high levels of violence in the country, most of it committed with firearms, the former president should have thought of a better way to jibe at the nation. How about reposting that old picture of him falling on his butt wearing the skins of five leopards? That used to be funny.

Few can forget the video of slain Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein – kitted out in a fedora and three-piece suit – firing a similar rifle to Zuma’s in the air, standing on the balcony of a palace.

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein fires shots into the air on December 31 2000. Picture: Newsmakers

He loved to fire different weapons whenever he had an erection to calm. His fetish was crude because it was a man with bloody hands mocking people he oppressed by practising his next shot.

Somebody should whisper in the ears of these guys in high office that they shouldn’t do that. It’s pornographic. It’s the same as that video of former cabinet minister Malusi Gigaba cocking his fleshy weapon at a traumatised nation.

And, funnily enough, it’s not an exclusive forté of third world leaders to play with fire. We can’t forget former US vice-president Dick Cheney accidentally shooting a friend with a rifle while they were out hunting quail.

The Bush administration relaxed environmental laws so Cheney could go out with friends to kill birds – for phallic reasons. Quails are small birds and their hunting is a pastime for Caucasians, which explains why Cheney almost culled one of his millionaire friends.

While quails thought the accident by Dick (a name we can give to cocky Gigaba) was poetic justice, here comes kilted Prince of Wales Charles with his rifle, hunting for foxes to shoot, not because he craves biltong, but simply because it’s a rich man’s jerk-off. If anyone saw Bra Charlie inserting those shells in his double-barrel they would have taken cover without seeing in what direction he planned to aim.

Prince of Wales Charles visits Bisley Rifle Range in Surrey. Picture: Tim Graham/ Photo Gallery via Getty Images

Rifles and politicians are like paedophiles and crèches.

It doesn’t look good on Zuma, Charles, Saddam or Cheney and maybe somebody should tell Brazilian right-wing leader Jair Bolsonaro that it’s unlikely to look good on him. And we probably will have less political brash unaccompanied by gunpowder. Or maybe we should let Zuma keep his rifle to mute that annoying song, Awuleth’ Umshini Wami. We can use some silence on that front.

Fula is political satirist, farmer and author of the book Uyenzeni uZuma – Debunking the Myth of Jacob Zuma’s Intelligence


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March 29 2020