Learn to need men, Honey

‘Learn to need men, Honey.’

I have been accused of setting the feminist movement back with this suggestion. It may be politically incorrect, at least from the Gloria Steinem School of Feminism, which popularised Irina Dunn’s conclusion that ‘a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle’, but it is true. Masculinity needs to be needed.

Masculine men love to be needed. They gravitate towards women who seem to need them.

Femininity requires a sense of security to blossom; masculinity is often evoked by need. If you give it just a moment’s thought, you’ll come up with countless examples of when you witnessed men drawn like moths to a flame by a “damsel in distress”.

We tend to place a value judgment on this. We judge the women as weak or ditsy, and the men as immature. In fact, it’s boys who are repelled by need, not men, but we will address that later in the book.

If you are anything like me, Honey Dip, you were brought up to be independent. This is very practical and sensible, and it is also how I am raising my daughters.

If they turn out to be heterosexual or bisexual, I intend to also teach them to allow the men in their lives to feel needed. In relationships, men feel more secure with women who need them. They also feel more masculine in the company of women who need them. Not women who are needy, Honey. Being needy has the opposite effect, as we discussed already.

If you come across as having everything under control, men are not strongly drawn to you, as you leave no room for them to express their masculinity. You may be the friend, or even the friend with benefits, but you’ll seldom be a comfortable partner to have.

I am aware that this piece of intel has a very high irritation factor for many women, so whenever I bring it up during a talk, I will pre-empt the entire discussion by getting a man to deliver the news. As you can imagine, my audience is almost exclusively female. However, there are always one or two men about, perhaps a member of the sound or catering crew.

I will present the man with my Betty and Veronica scenario.

‘Dear Sir, imagine you had to pick a woman to spend the rest of your life with. You are currently in two relationships, both of which you enjoy immensely. Regrettably, since women the world over are unreasonable, and simply terrible at sharing, you are expected to pick one of them to be your life mate.

You love Betty the most, but Veronica needs you more. Who do you go with?’

Most women assume Dear Sir will pick Betty. Honey, the track record so far is that every single time the men have picked Veronica; 100% of the time – not some of the time or most of the time.

One unfortunate guy I roped into this ongoing social experiment of mine was harassed by an audience member, quizzed on why he wouldn’t go with the one he loved more, and his answer was simple: “It is exhausting to be with a woman who doesn’t need you.”

Don’t take my word for it, Honey; try it out on a few men. Men are like superheroes. If Gotham City became crime free, Batman would pack up his fancy dungeon, get on the batmobile, and go find needier pastures. Some women love to go about declaring, almost like a dare, ‘I don’t need a man!’ If there are no vacancies, why would men apply?

It is exhausting and it can even be dangerous to be trapped in a relationship with a person because you need them. Avoid needing a man, but do need men. Need men, collectively; not a man. Where a specific man is concerned, like your soon-to-be-here beloved, help him feel necessary and valuable to you.

As long as he perceives himself as essential and relevant in your life, he will be as happy as a clam. You cannot attract masculine energy into your space if you have no need for it.

. The public are invited to the launches of The Goddess Mojo Bootcamp on Tuesday, April 26 at 6pm at Weylandts, Brooklyn Mall, Pretoria, and on Thursday, May 5 at 6pm at the Centre Court of Hyde Park Corner in Joburg at 6pm. To RSVP, email rsvp@jacana.co.za