The Zooma era may be over, but we still have Januworry to get through

2018-01-04 18:57

The festive dizzy season has been nothing but a nightmare for yours truly and seemingly for my fellow Satafrikans.

First the former mighty party of the green, yellow and black finally cut the Zooma family dynasty from the high seat and opted for Son of Ramaposer to be their chief of choice.

That was digestible at least but the shocker was the fact that the outgoing ruling party opted to appoint my premier, DD Maboozer, as their next deputy president and Ace Magashoole as their chief honcho at the revolutionary house in Sauer Street.

The shocking news left me no choice but to convene an urgent December-long AGM for Asphuzeni Stokvel.

Considering the seriousness of the matter, my loyal fellow dipsomaniacs attended the gathering for the entire three months of December.

Hosted by Konkodi at his former great shebeen spot and partly sponsored by his now vat-en-sit sugar, Sister Bettinah, the gathering saw the greatest eatists, liars and bonusists ascend from the City of Gold to attend the august occasion.

Obviously, as per protocol, all were duly informed that there would not be any vote of confidence against yours truly as the life president and such a suggestion was a punishable offence.

With the formalities done away with, Son of Seisa, the Emmanuel of Ga Raphahlelo, distributed his share of grace as the newest member by sponsoring a few cases of the SAB’s finest and a goodwill bottle of a fine teenage Scotch whisky for the president.

It was in the midst of that opening session that Son of Mongale, who was elected a week before by yours truly as the secretary in a midnight reshuffle, induced by a heavy session gifted by his generous wallet, said apparently the fellows of that former mighty party had resolved at Nasrec that the constitution must be amended to allow a landgrab but said only if the fruits of the land are not grabbed.

Methinks it’s the party that has finally run out of utterances to call resolutions.

READ: ANC Conference special report

Son of Mongale, the Willow of Sofaya, also said on the eve of his long-awaited exit, the Jacob of IFP-governed Nkandla, proclaimed that there shall be free education for all.

He left the Gigaguptanites of his cupboard cabinet to figure it out and son of Ramaposer to explain why the party cannot deliver.

With the number of emptied brown bottles escalating, Son of Mokone, the Mpho from Lebowakgomo, said he had read in the woke media that apparently the ConCourt, which owes blacks an amendment of section 25, said the honourable house of Parliament failed to discipline the great Jacob and Mogoeng Mogoeng, the court big boss said the court was out of line.

READ: ConCourt rules Parliament failed to hold Zuma to account, Mogoeng calls ruling judicial overreach

Mokone also said apparently the new president was related to the rand and when he was elected at Nasrec that part of his family gave him a standing ovation while his other relatives up north lay on the floor in his honour.

READ: Ramaphosa's narrow win may hamper plans to revive economy

With the mountain of empty bottles becoming a hindrance to my leadership duties, I ordered one of our newest members, Son of Moila, the Tshepo of Polokwane (the land of tenders), to refill them before we proceed with discussing issues of national importance and like an honourable man, he did.

With the gathering in full swing and the godly brew in the driving seat, Son of Moila, who I only allowed membership because he has an eyecandy sister who is a national key point earmarked for privatisation by yours truly, said he heard through the wireless that apparently sales of adult toys had a boost during the festive season.

Methinks it’s been a difficult year…

READ: New toys boost sex shops’ Xmas sales

In my closing address to the successful meeting, during which solutions without success were sought at the bottom of a lot of beer bottles, I advised my now insolvent faithfuls that Januworry, which has the reputation of being approximately 52 weeks long, has dawned and they should prepare well and take my tips as follows:

1. It is only befitting that people should bank on the Januworry diet plan – and that means going vegan, re-acquainting oneself with green all-purpose soaps, the health benefits of cabbage and the art of taking a taxi, including the mathematical benefits of its front seat.

2. Side people should be made to pay guilt tax in order to continue their side business undisturbed for the rest of the year.

3. For those with too much pride to be vegans, borrow meat to make soup and return soonest. The struggle is real and only the Januworry chef will understand this.

4. Time to get creative with food pairing and pairing pap with tea or tinned food or even noodles is always a winner. Your stomach will be strong, rest assured.

5. Pawning weaves, along with the other beauty un-necessities is not an outrageous idea. After all, it’s an overhead cost and natural is good.

With this Januworry seemingly stubborn, it would be best to heed my call and comply or else Valentine’s Day, which as Asphuzeni we banned long time ago, would still be Januworry for most.

Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.

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April 22 2018