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I swear this president of ours will be the end of me. Haikhona!
Hot off the heels of every exciting binging weekend wherein yours truly as usual presided over our stokvel AGM (by the way I, the president, was re-elected again for the ninth term), two after-tears events (one of which was for the funeral of an apparent closet homophobic pastor), and a wedding of the daughter of Magubane, our former member whom we expelled for wearing a DA T-shirt during a traditional ritual ceremony meant to appease the ancestors shortly before the last elections.
Anyway, this president of this Mzansi of ours, for whom we voted when threats of empty stomachs seemed to escalate, did two unthinkable things in a space of seven days.
First the Jacob of Nkandla proved how foolish he can make the country look by appointing three ministers to probe son of Molefe, the man who alerted us to the possible existence of a Saxonwold shebeen, this after one of the selected ministers (Lynette Brown is her name I believe) said she wanted an independent somebody to do the probing.
Now the last time Nxamalala the great Jacob appointed ministers to bail him out, the country was given a crash course in how to use a "firepool". Yours truly wonders what the three ministers are going to come up with this time to bail him out again.
Yours truly also wonders if Number One needs any bailing out because over the weekend he proved once more and for all that he is truly the ultimate untouchable, the real McCoy, the original Phunyuka Bamphete (slippery one), when he not only survived a vote of no confidence from his fellow senior colleagues, including one peculiar Aaron Motsoaledi, but he went on to lambast them all with a clear warning, naturally leaving most pants in the room wet and comrades "mantashing" as usual.
Indeed he proved that he is a real political tsunami, as a former big-bellied swollen-faced Heineken-drinking son of Limpopo once described him, a few years ago.
While gathered at Irene, the elderlies of the mighty green, black and yellow party were blessed with a media expose about how the number one and a number of his stooges were Guptarised and how, like Julius said last year, our Nkandla scandalous one was preparing to make a run for it to Dubai when his number two, Son of Ramaphosa, replaces him in office.
Read: Zuma's Dubai exit plan
Now, personally I would feel very sad if Msholozi was to leave our shores because unemployment in the comedy industry would increase. However I wouldn’t mind him joining our stokvel when he is ejected from the Nkandla FET College by the EFF. We can really do with his skills in my organisation in the form of dance entertainment, lying, mathematics etc.
The Mmusi Mymoney of the blue brigade fame was sent packing by Zambians for apparently twanging too much on his way to Zambia. The Obama of the DA was shuffled and reshuffled back to Mzansi after he wanted to go support his fellow back benchers against the honourable Mugabe wannabe of that beautiful country.
Yours truly thinks it serves him right for thinking he can be a refugee anywhere outside the Western Cape of the good madam.
The events of the weekend by the unruly ruling party left yours truly with no choice but to summon an immediate emergency extraordinary stokvel session. And first on the agenda was the continued search for solutions for the mother of a hangover that we all experienced. Luckily, we had long resolved that until such a solution is discovered, the only logical one remains avoiding sobriety. After all, one cannot simply fathom the happenings of this country on a sober mind. It’s impossible.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini. He pens in his personal capacity as a veteran patron of SAB.
