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The scorching sun has never been meaner to this Eastern Transvaal area of mine like it was over the past few weeks. Even the amber nectar produced by that national keypoint called SAB was not enough to cool off the Januworry poverty.
With the sun doing more than kissing and the great mountain of Thaba Chweu seemingly retreating, I saw it fit to convene a special meeting of my beloved Asphuzen at Konkodi’s Tavern.
Konkodi, for his sins of telling me that his roving eye saw potential in the daughter of that thieving councillor of ours, was made to sponsor the session with a few cases of the best brown-bottled brew under the African sun.
With the meeting heavily in session, Son of Mokone, the Mpho of Lebowakgomo, who has welcomed the new year with a number of scars he chooses to call tattoos, said he read in one woke Sunday koerant that apparently the unity national executive committee of the green, yellow and black party of Luthuli House wants to oust Baba kaDuduzane from the Union Buildings so they can rename it Khoroni, quickly.
Son of Mokone, spotting his recently badly scarred body, also said that apparently Eishkom, the alleged personal kitty of our presidential handlers in Saxonwold, finally got its unity board of directors, and it is led by none other than son of Mabuza, he of Telkom board fame and also leader of another WMC organisation.
READ: Heavyweights for Eskom board
With the scarred sight of Son of Mokone proving to be heavy on my eyes and sobriety seemingly refusing to depart from my senses, Son of Mongale, the Willow of Sofaya said apparently the greatest jazz musician under the Mzansi sun had departed, the great Hugh Masekela, the storytelling maestro of note.
READ: Hugh Masekela loses his battle against cancer
With such sobering news, it was clear Konkodi’s joint was never properly baptised and ordained as a drinking hole of note, so yours truly ordered the poor promiscuous owner to open the bar for all to drink or else news of his roving eye would soon reach his beloved, dangerously violent Sister Bettinah.
In the height of our crapulence, Son of Nkwanyana, the Pencil of Etshodo, said he heard through the wireless that apparently the chickens are coming home to roost for Daughters of Qedani and Dlamini, who apparently also recently paid a small fortune to let it be known that she and the amber nectar are not friends. Methinks there was no need to spend thousands of rands to tell the country she is not friends with my beloved moonshine. It’s clear to see my bottles don’t love her …
READ: SABC will not charge Dlamini for interview
Former Gauteng Health MEC Qedani Mahlangu, according to Nkwanyana, also apparently disputed the findings of the Esidimeni report and, to top it all, said she did not know why she was being harassed. Upon hearing that, yours truly started doubting the volume content of SAB’s finest or maybe it was my ears aging.
After finishing Konkodi’s weak beer stock, I led my faithful, not half as legless as we should have been, to Kwa Mgwazeni, formerly one of the filthiest drinking holes this side of Tubatse river, to end off the august gathering. Mgwazeni, like a respectable shebeen owner, welcomed us with good cold beer.
Convening on Mgwazeni’s classy brown leather couches in the far end of his shack-like tavern, Son of Sibiya, the Silver of Bushbuckridge, finally spoke sense and said he read in the woke paper that apparently KPMG, the very ones who were caught facilitating capturing of their own, has appointed Son of Mkhuhlu to head up their glass house.
READ: KPMG's Nkhulu promises changes
According to Son of Sibiya, the Black Business Council managed to located some of their missing millions, which had found themselves in another business’ account and – once again – not mine.
READ: BBC recovers some millions
With Mgwazeni’s holy waters sinking away the devil that is sobriety, and properly inebriated, son of Mkhize, the Mfundo of Mgungundlovu, who is a former scribe, said that apparently a Chinese man bought a mine that was announced to have been useless eight months ago.
Khabazela, as Mkhize prefers to be re-called, who has developed a useless habit of chasing air and dressing for the occasion, also said the great scribe Son of Mseleku, outed people who judge athletes by the fitness of their tongues exercising the language of the queen-cum-oppressor.
READ: Stop judging athletes on how well they speak English
With sobriety having left the building, in came Son of Mqayi, the Wiseman of Empangeni, and he narrated that apparently Son of Ramaposer might have a new bestie in Mugabe-part-two next door and the two are somewhere in Europe playing in the snow like other rich diplomats.
READ: Ramaphosa and Mnangagwa woo investors in Davos
Obviously that was a clear sign that I was definitely as drunk as a lord among my peasants and it was time to retire to my shack castle.
• Majakathata the Rogue is a comrade, director of Nahab (National Association of Husbands and Boyfriends) and chairperson of Asphuzeni Stokvel in Skomplaas, Mashishini.
